Harry potter and Ash: A Terrible Meeting
by Taco King
Summary: What happens when Harry Potter and Ash meet?  Unexplored territory, I'm sure.


It was a bright sunny day in...oh, let's call it somewhere in the woods. Dead woods, or else the leaves would be blocking all the sun. In the midst of the naked trees was a young wizard named Harry Potter. Not that one, another one. Naming your kid Harry Potter became a popular fad in the wizarding world. This Harry Potter, however, couldn't do any magic. And because he couldn't do magic, he'd walked all the way out to the middle of this dead forest in order to kill himself. Which he successfully did by hanging himself from a branch. The first two branches broke though, but this Harry Potter was no quitter. He kept tying that rope to branches until the third one held, and he slowly died.

Meanwhile, the Harry Potter that could do magic, and who everyone liked, was sitting in a modestly furnished two-bedroom apartment in a reasonably priced area of London.

Meanwhile, in...I dunno, Pokemon Land? Earth? Hell if I know. In a dimly-lit basement, Ash Ketchum was slowly chewing his way through a musty rope that held him bound to a ramshackle radiator. Time ceased to have meaning as he focused on gnawing through each strand of his hempen shackles. From upstairs, the Weather Channel was his constant tormentor, taunting him with thoughts of the outside world. At night, he slept fitfully, the smell of his own waste the closest thing to a pillow he had.

Back in London, Harry Potter finished answering his fan mail, and ate a sandwich.

Back in the basement, Ask Ketchum died.

Back in London, Harry Potter decided to take a walk. He grabbed his raincoat, in case of inclement weather. Then he thought "Well, it probably won't rain", and put it back. Then he thought "Well, better safe than sorry, and it's not like it'd be that inconvenient to carry", and picked it up again. Then he remembered that he could perform magic, and put the raincoat back. He walked down the four flights of stairs and emerged into the London afternoon.

Back in the basement, Ash Ketchum hadn't really died, he just never really learned the difference between sleep and death. He finished chewing through the ropes, got dressed, and left the basement. Squinting in the unfamiliar sun, he staggered blindly towards possible safety.

While walking down the street, Harry Potter walked directly into Ash Ketchum and fell down. Ash Ketchum burst into tears, and was inconsolable for twenty minutes, which made Harry Potter very awkward. Finally, Ash stopped crying.

"So, what's your name?", asked Harry.

"Ash Ketchum, from Pallet Town", replied Ash.

At that point, a car came down the street, and Harry and Ash had to move out of the way. "So", said Ash, "I don't suppose you have a Pokephone on you? I need to call the police. I was abducted and held hostage for three weeks."

"I'm a wizard", said Harry.

"Yes, I suppose that's nice, but that's not really an appropriate response. Can you use magic to find me a phone so I can call the police?, said Ash.

"No.", said Harry. "See, I left my wand at home, and I don't remember how to do magic without it".

Ash looked awkwardly aside, and couldn't think of anything to say. Neither could Harry.

A bird flew by. A regular bird, not like a Pidgey or something. Just a bird. It's already gone, so don't try to figure out what kind it is.

Harry tried to fill the silence: "So what is it that you do?"

Ash replied "I'm a Pokemon trainer. Well, I was. I don't do that anymore. All of my Pokemon are probably still in a drawer somewhere. I wonder if anyone's fed them."

Then Jason showed up. "Hi everybody, I've got all the Pokemon, and they all work in real life too! And I got accepted at Hogwarts as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. And everybody likes me best." Jason flew away on a hoverboard that really works.

Harry said "So, do you still need to call the police?"

Ash said "Umm, I guess not. I'm over it now. Let's get a sandwich."

Ash and Harry went to a nearby cafe and waited a few minutes to be seated. The waiter handed them two menus. Ash wiped a little bit of salsa off of his menu, but decided not to make a big deal about it. When the waiter came back for their drink orders, Ash ordered water with a bowl of lemons and Harry asked for pumpkin juice, then realized where he was and asked for magic Sprite. Then just regular Sprite. They tried to order food while the waiter was there, but he'd already gone back to the kitchen to make the drinks. When the waiter returned, Ash asked about the soup of the day. It was broccoli and cheddar. However, Ash's cardiologist had told him to cut back on fatty foods because of his slightly elevated cholesterol, so Ash ordered a tuna sandwich on wheat toast, light mayo, and a side of fruit instead of chips. Chips meaning fries, because they were still in London. Harry was still deciding between a cheeseburger and the chicken caesar wrap, but because the waiter was right there, Harry panicked and accidentally ordered the pulled pork tacos.

While they waited on their food, Ash and Harry made small talk, mostly regarding public transportation and movies they'd seen. As it turned out, they hadn't seen any of the same movies, so they made a half-hearted attempt to explain the plots of the movies to each other, but wound up fumbling most of the details and mixing up the names of the characters. It didn't turn out well at all, and Ash started to regret having had escaped from the basement. Harry drank his Sprite quickly, but the waiter didn't come back to refill it, so he just sat idly and slurped a little of the liquid at the bottom of the glass when the ice had melted enough. He resolved to ration his next Sprite more carefully. The waiter finally came by with the food, but Ash's sandwich was on white toast, not wheat. Ash apologetically asked for it to be fixed, whiel Harry made feeble motions towards his empty glass, but to no avail. Harry nibbled at a tortilla chip while Ash waited for his new sandwich, feeling hungry but not wanting to eat before Ash was served. The waiter came back with a new sandwich for Ash (which was just the same sandwich, but with the tuna scraped onto wheat toast). He also brought a new Sprite for Harry, although it turned out to be flat. Harry drank it anyway though, resolving to give the waiter a smaller tip in way of vengeance.

Ash's sandwich was fairly tasty, although the salt in the tuna burned against the rope burns on his mouth. Harry's pork tacos were lukewarm by the time he was able to eat them, and he wished for his wand, so that he might cast a spell and reheat his food. Instead, he ate one, and asked for a box to take the other two home. He'd had that sandwich earler, and this way he was stretching his money a little further. Ash, having been a hostage for so long, had trouble processing such a large meal, and had to excuse himself so that he could vomit in the bathroom. An elderly man, in the bathroom to wash his hands, was made nauseous by hearing Ash's retching, so he went to complain to management, who comped his meal and gave him a coupon for a free appetizer on his next visit. Back at the table, Harry finshed off the last of his flat soda and scraped the rest of Ash's fruit into his to-go box. The waiter dropped off the checks, and Harry's was for $11.45. All Harry had was a ten and a five, so despite his earlier resolution, he decided to leave the rest for a tip, rather than have to ask for change. When Ash still didn't come back, Harry decided to leave. And so he did.

Ash died in the bathroom.


End file.
